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Engel Review

by Matt Hensch

Being a follower of The Crown's cult, I felt it would be necessary to look into the newer projects of my favorite band, and I've decided to run a little test to see if my buddies from The Crown still have it after they split. This epic quest led me to guitarist Marcus Sunesson and his recent journey into a band named Engel soon after the rupture, and I recently picked up one of their demos.

This is sadly when the sh*t begins to hit the fan, because this demo is f**king awful, and I cannot believe I survived the horrendous period of feces this mistake offers. I was expecting quality metal that would tickle my fancy before I listened to this demo, but everything that could make a disc putrid is found here, but let's get to the point: Engel is basically a flat pastry filled with metal, emo, hardcore, disco, pop, alternative rock, and techno; this amalgam has also gathered an accurate moniker in recent times: total bullsh*t. That title is honestly the only correct way I can explain this abomination, simply because this has to be one of the worst things I've ever heard in any musical genre I've ever gained interest in. A new barrier in music has been broken, because this seriously cannot get any worse than it is now.

Like I said, Engel's design is shown by a multi-genre macaroni poster that a musically-deprived moron could do better. There are dance beats, dull riffs, emo hooks, and empty breakdowns among other awful things in this parody, but it really gets bad when they mindlessly toss everything together and just piss out this horrible cacophony. I'll admit there are times when a decent riff or solo begins to emerge, but then comes a hurricane of terrible dance-influenced beats or breakdowns that just destroys the mood and everything around it. It seriously sounds like an orgy involving In Flames, Throwdown, The Backstreet Boys, some sh*tty emo band, and the cast of "Boogie Nights."

And don't even get me started on Mangan Klavborn's vocals. This guy has to be one of the least talented vocalists I've ever heard, not due to his lacking singing ability, but his multiple attempts to try different vocal approaches and messing that up too. Klavborn seriously does every vocal style possible; he just randomly spits out stupid lyrics in an assortment of puzzling sounds, almost like he has no clue as to what he's doing. Expect whiny emo screams, annoying narration, horrible singing, and some offending dialogue that only a kinky douche bag could perform.

I congratulate Engel on their incredible achievement of becoming one of the most simultaneously clueless and idiotic metal squads the world has known. There is not one ounce of substance, quality, or weight that gives this demo any spine at all, so just avoid it like Gonorrhea.

Post-Crown Seal of Approval: Denied.

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