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Paris Hilton - Paris Review

I just spent the most enjoyable fifteen minutes of my life listening to the entire Paris Hilton CD! As I listened to "her" singing "her" songs, it occurred to me what a lucky generation I live in, that I get to witness this perfect match between money and talent!

By talent, of course, I mean whoever Paris has hired to sing for her: WOW, she is good! I was almost able to close my eyes and imagine that it really was Paris singing. Most times, I couldn't but every now and then, like when the sleeping pills, vodka and red bull started to kick in, like yeah, I almost could! It was really like that! So fun!

While I was listening to "her" singing, I read through the track listings. I couldn't help but to wonder what her album maker was thinking as he or she named every track on here. "Stars are Blind" really impressed me for being a song about a crucial health threat facing the glittery rich and famous. As far as songs designed to raise global awareness of the tragedy of macular degeneration among Hollywood's elite, this song is unparalleled! I had no idea that "Paris" was so well versed in medical matters! Yeah, that was the first song I had a hard time imaging Paris singing, but that's ok, cuz there are more songs on this huge and high quality CD.

"Turn it Up" was another song I had a hard time imagining Paris singing. Instead, I imagined what the interview process was at the "Sing on the new Paris Hilton CD" job fair booth. How did Paris get the word out that she needed a singer? Did she run an ad in the paper? How did she audition them? Did they have to sing the happy birthday song, or "Reign in Blood" till Paris found what sounded like her very own Milli Vanilli? Well, whatever, it sure worked! The girl she picked sounds just like all the girls today, the black eyed pea girl, Gwen Stefani, all of 'em! Yeah! Paris should get an award for her dedication to excellence and her tireless search for the voice of Paris! Oh yeah, but anyway, that song was really really good, too. I can't really remember what it was about or how it went, but I'm pretty sure I probably liked it a great deal, or I wouldn't still be writing about it! Woo! This is the longest paragraph in this review, so that one must have rocked!!

Umm...OK, so that leaves the two remixes I heard. I now understand the purpose of the fabled 'remixed song'. No, it is not just a lame attempt to fill up a CD with computer generated reruns so the consumer is tricked into thinking he or she is getting 5 songs and really he or she is getting three. Nope! Actually, the purpose of the remix on this CD anyway is far nobler than that. Let's say for instance, that you hear the tragic song, "Stars are Blind", but miss the part where "Paris" sings "Worldwide, the leading causes of blindness are cataracts, onchocerciasis (river blindness), trachoma, leprosy, and vitamin A deficiency", and you actually think "she" said a mush-mouthed version of "Like, that's hot!" What should you do? Well, thankfully, the remixed versions that have been helpfully provided slow down her songs enough that you can deeply meditate on every single word in every single song that got remixed! Isn't that cool!?! Wonder no more what the lyrics are to these almost Shakespearean dramatic songs that should be pondered by one and all over meals, over tea, while bonding with the family or skydiving.

OK, so AOL lied and said they had her entire album posted online for me to listen to. Turns out she really has 11 (ooops! I mean 5 songs and 6 remixes) songs. I didn't listen to any of the other ones, like the song called "Screwed", which might be about her straight to video movie debut. I also didn't get to listen to her probably lovely song featuring a couple guests she paid really well to be on her CD. Oh well, when Paris' pub finally gets around to sending us her really good CD, I'll do a full review. In the meantime, just download each of her songs 15 or 18 times and bask in the perfect marriage of money and talent and don't be surprised as you ponder such mergers, when Britney and Kevin come to mind....



About "Let's Get Dolly": In January (2005) antiMusic readers were introduced to a colorful writer known as Dolly Doppelganger when her Veridical Polemic column debuted. That column almost never happened, but Dolly pestered us until we relented and gave her a chance. The results speak for themselves. You may not know this but Dolly originally applied for a reviewer position. Fast forward to mid-January, antiGuy asked me if we had any CDs to review that have been sitting around for a while. I named a few and he shook his head and said, "I'll pass, I don't know who you would get to review some of those!" As those words escaped his lips, the solution came to me, "Let's get Dolly! She loves everything!" So, I gave Dolly a few CDs to try out her reviewing skills on and what I got back is classic Dolly. You may not learn much about the actual CDs, and you will learn far too much about Dolly's ideas but in the end if you are a Dolly fan you'll love her latest contributions to antiMusic. If you are looking for regular reviews of these cds, look somewhere else. Dolly don't play that. - Keavin Wiggins, Editor 

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Paris Hilton - Paris

Label:Hack Records

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