Nick "Bootlicking" Lackey Review part 1: The brilliant musical genius of a guy I GET TO REVIEW!!!!!
I have been weeping continuously, every single minute of every single day for a week straight. No, it's not that time of the month- well it is, but I'm sure that has absolutely nothing to do with the quasi-orgasmic elation anyone would naturally feel THAT GOT TO REVIEW NICK LACKEY'S NEW CD, WOOT!
Yes, I am officially the most envied reviewer of antiMusic now that I have this most stellar CD in my custody, even though I choked on Ashley Angel Asshat's wonderfulishious release. Hopefully I don't need to get a restraining order against Hobo!
Since such a wonderful mega-talent has condescended to mail Keavin (my boss) his CD, even though obviously a review is unnecessary, I thought I'd surprise & delight you all with a month-long series, featuring my anecdotes about Mr. Ex Jessica Simpson, lotsa drooling ramblings about his total manliness, (I swear I typed that with a straight face, I am on my way to the bank as I write this to get that last statement notarized!) and I will then review one sublime song a day, till I have built up your fanatic extremism to a screaming pitch & you are convinced that you will absolutely die if you do not own THIS CD RIGHT NOW!!!!
Let me start by gushing over the closed CD. Even though I have not yet dared to breach the sanctity of his music by defiling it on my common CD player. (I am waiting for my local megaplex to rent me a screening room, so I can listen to this at midnight, at full blast on 100 speakers that are each at least 8 feet high. As soon as the theater manager returns my call & agrees to accept Nick Lackey CDs as payment, I'll be ready to review the songs!) Until then, here is the honest truth about everything EXCEPT FOR what it sounds like. Anyway, DUH! Of course it's gonna be incredible sounding, what do you even need a review of it for!?!? Anything MTV plays is obviously the best thing out there!
OK, back to the black & white picture of Nick the Talented. Is he scowling? Or is his face merely an inscrutable mask, hiding his pain at being screwed out of his alimony payments by his scheming....ok, I better not even start on the subject of his marriage, I have cried enough over this! I am just not that strong, i just can't handle this!
Ok, it is now a week later, and after some intensive, emergency therapy I think I can continue.
Alright, now for my review of the back. Nope, I'm once again tearing up. Poor, poor Nick has documented his financial distress, having been reduced to either driving a cab, a hearse, a tow truck, or a sewage reclamation vehicle. Now he has to sing to the dead, to our waste products, or even to drunks who are looking to rob & maybe stab him. And anyway, Anthony Kedis STOLE HIS TATTOO! How cruel can you get?! A retroactive brilliancy theft, boycott the Chili Peppers!
Dare I open the CD? I'll let you know in a week, time to up my medicine in case my heart can't take the shock!
I just can't do this. Looking at these pictures of Nick, washed out & unloved & mocked & despised & spit on & used & discarded just kill me. I think I'll skip right to his lyrics & my guesses about what the songs might sound like. If I ever get brave enough to listen to them, I will for SURE write all about it, I double don't cross my fingers promise!!
Oh I hate him! I absolutely hate him! Every single song on here is about that CHICK HE WAS MARRIED TO!!! What about your little teeny bopper fans who love you, Nick? Is there nothing for them!?! No generic love songs, no deep party tunes, no rambling philosophizing, only tears for us, the only ones who really appreciated you!?
Hey, wait a minute! By cashing in on Jessica's fame by writing about her in every single song on here, HE IS SCREWING HER DADDY OUT OF HIS 125% COMMISSION!!! Hmmmm, I did mention the guy was a genius, didn't I? Now how's that for a rare bird? Not only an actor, spoken word prophet, a singer, a cab driver, a football player, a lawyer, he is an astute businessman! Good thing! With Jessie so greedy over her stupid money, at least he can quit his driving job in a few years!
Buy this CD till it comes out in paperback & storm your megaplex & take hostages if need be, in order to hear it in the style it deserves!!
Next on Part 2: I dissect track 1: Nick's cover of Guns & Roses "I Used to Love Her, But I had to Kill Her"