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Breaking Benjamin - Phobia

.About "Let's Get Dolly": In January (2005) antiMusic readers were introduced to a colorful writer known as Dolly Doppelganger when her Veridical Polemic column debuted. That column almost never happened, but Dolly pestered us until we relented and gave her a chance. The results speak for themselves. You may not know this but Dolly originally applied for a reviewer position. Fast forward to mid-January, antiGuy asked me if we had any CDs to review that have been sitting around for a while. I named a few and he shook his head and said, "I'll pass, I don't know who you would get to review some of those!" As those words escaped his lips, the solution came to me, "Let's get Dolly! She loves everything!" So, I gave Dolly a few CDs to try out her reviewing skills on and what I got back is classic Dolly. You may not learn much about the actual CDs, and you will learn far too much about Dolly's ideas but in the end if you are a Dolly fan you'll love her latest contributions to antiMusic. If you are looking for regular reviews of these cds, look somewhere else. Dolly don't play that. - Keavin Wiggins, Editor 

After reading Breaking Benjamin's lyrics, I have decided to enroll in my community's theater program so that I can do a BB poetry reading at my local dinner theater, in the height of fancy season. 

Their writing style is so complex and interesting that it is hard- no, impossible- to read them without bursting into laughter in sheer awe. I wonder how many of their lyrics I can legally copy here for your pleasure without getting in trouble for plagiarism. Oh well, I'm gonna risk it! I jes' betcha BB would not dream of chasing me with a nuisance 'don't be a copycat!' lawsuit, given what their new CD sounds like! 

Ok, now to get the full impact of these incredibly deep thoughts, you must read them, then close your eyes reallyreallyfast and imagine the stomach roiling angst of the author. As you are imagining this, close your eyes even tighter and try to guess the extremely enigmatic stimuli that produced such heart-wrenching intensity. Squeeze your eyes tighter still, till your lids start to collapse into each other and fuse together in a mangle of eye lashes, blood and eye tissue from the implosion of your now useless orbs as you marvel at the breathtaking wordsmithery of the BB staff, hand crafting lyrical dessert for you. BB's album is so indescribably excellent, that it will literally make you blind. 

With the help of my Braille computer, screen and BB lyric sheet I will attempt to duplicate the brilliance here. Prepare yourself for the finest example of modern American poetry the world has ever seen. I might have to cut it short, I have never attempted to write BB's lyrics before, and I fear the effort might make me insane. Already, at the mere thought of the overwhelmingness of this daunting privilege, I feel the onset of menschenfleischpsychose and my ears are ringing. However, if Brave Breaking Benjamin, B^3 from now on, can soldier on in the face of all the adversity they write about, I can too, in spite of my shiny new mental illness that should qualify me for tons of government aid! 

Here we go! Song 1:

(PLEASE read these aloud in a sing- songy, rhymey voice, exactly the way B^3 wrote it or I'll ask Keavin to remove the lyrics from this really good review and BOY WILL YOU BE SORRY!)

Here we go, "The Diary of Jane: My Pain at Discovering My Girl's Secret Feelings for John Ashcroft".

I bet after releasing this song, they are sure to be recruited in the war against terror. This song is designed to help the populace employ the government- sanctioned method of reading people's diaries in order to see if enough evidence exists to order a search warrant. 

"Try to find out what makes you tick, 
As I lie down, sore and sick."

An interesting B^3 trivia for you, this song has the highest recorded cliché to non cliché ratio in lyrics I've seen yet, making it massively outstanding all over again!

"Breath" is noteworthy for its complex use of abstract thought. Read this English major- quality rhyme and learn how the pros do it. This one is so intricate, requiring so much critical thinking, that I've helpfully added emphasis in parentheses for us lesser mortals. 

"I see nothing in your eyes;
the more (nothing) I see, the less (nothing) I like" 

more nothing….less nothing….more nothing….Hey! That reminds me of a cult that needs a mantra! Have I got great news for them! I bet B^3 will sell them those phrases cheap!

"Dance with the Devil and See if He'll Give me a Lap Dance While He's at It" 

This song was so good, it reminded me of the Batman movie that stole this line back in the mid nineties when B^3 was in grade school learning how to make their cursive P's. I am so glad they got revenge by taking back what is theirs! 

Awwww, the deeply tragic song called "Here we Are" typifies what's wrong with printing lyrics in the booklet that comes with the CD:

"I can't erase the stupid things I say" 

My stars, Ben, neither can I! 

Well I can't take anymore, the pain is palpable, it is making me feel strangled and suffocated, and my left arm is going numb. Have you ever felt such torture after reading such complicated sentiments? To be able to transfer their pathos in such a perfect rhyming pattern is absolutely incredible. I can't wait till this Friday! I'm up for reading after the Dr. Seuss guy!! 

Woah! I thought I was done with my review, but wow, how could I forget the most important part of the CD? Their attention- demanding sound! My favorite 'talent distinguisher' is a band's ability to perfectly mimic other bands' sounds. After all, when animals in the wild do this, it saves their lives! How many times have you refused to eat a harmless black and orange viceroy butterfly, because you feared it was his look-alike cousin, the distasteful and deadly monarch butterfly? When bands do this, it shows extreme adaptation of the highest order, cuz it's people trying to put food on the table, not stupid irrelevant butterflies fighting for survival. Well, if you like butterflies and moths with the great big eyes on their butts to fool the owls, oh how you'll love B^3! How they managed to sound like a band that sounds like everyone else shows their extreme, blinding talent. Three Days Grace is prolly cashing the royalty checks mailed to them by BB's record company by mistake, as I write this! 

Ah, this CD is so exceptional I have completely exhausted my adjective bank. Please buy this album and buy it and buy it.

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Breaking Benjamin - Phobia 


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